Drunktimes Article

Issue: Pop Star Lunches and Hangovers From Hell

If I were to star in: Keystone Beer Commercials

I am sure that most people by now have seen the painfully true Keystone commercial in which a guy is picking up some beer from what looks to me as the beer fridge of my local CVS and he stops because he hears a hot woman asking questions. It appears as if she is asking the guy if he would like to go to a party with her and to start at her place first which the guy, being a guy, was all for. Then she snaps at him, it turns out she is wearing one of those blue tooth ear things and she was actually talking to someone else. At the end we see them online and she apologizes for before. He says no problem and she shows him her ear piece.

This would not be how my version would go. So let's take a look at some examples of my Keystone commercials and the new tag line “Keystone, won't give you bitter beer face but it will give you beer muscles to take on the every day annoyance!”

(Scene, original commercial, I am buying beer 2 seconds after getting the huff from the hot girl) “Sorry, I didn't see your interstellar communicator hidden beneath your hair!” Then as I stand up to see hot girls confused face because she has no idea what the hell I am talking about, “if you weren't such a lazy bitch maybe this confusion would not have happened so maybe you should act like a normal human being and just excuse yourself from your ever so important call and then explain to me that you were on a phone call you stupid bitch!” I would then pick up my 12 pack of keystone and walk to the counter to pay for it.

We then see the two of us online and she opens up “Sorry about that back there, you were right” I then slam my 12 pack against her forehead, 'Shut the fuck up”

The tag line comes up and you see the two of us in her apartment getting busy

(scene, a couple walks onto an escalator and refuse to walk up. I am right behind them carrying my 12 pack of Keystone)

“Don't you just love great adventure?” As they turn around quizzically but answer “Yeah, it's good I guess”. I then make my move to knock them out of the way, “Well this isn't a ride at Great Adventure so move your lazy asses!” I then smack them in the head with my twelve pack.

When the tag line comes up you see the three of us laughing over an ice cold Keystone.

(scene, in my last commercial you see me in a Subway station and the train has just opened it's doors)

A little old lady of Chinese heritage comes and tries to push their way past me, I instantly smash them with my twelve pack of Keystone. “Where the fuck do you think you are going lady?”

During the tag line you see me in the back of an ambulance laughing with the lady who is in a stretcher and bleeding profusely from her head with a paramedic watching over her as we all share a Keystone.

I have to go, the fine makers of Keystone are calling. Apparently they are into my ideas, as they should be.