DrunkTimes Rants

Bad Parenting
April 26, 2009

A little more than a year away from my wedding and a thought popped into my head after leaving the office (the bathroom), I am going to be a dad someday and that someday is a lot closer than I think. If that is not the scariest, most exciting, puke inducing thought you ever have than I don’t know what is. I then remembered that I am afraid of the dark, ghosts and monsters…I see a lot of bad situations coming my way.

There is a Monster in the closet

Son/Daughter: Daddy, daddy, there is a monster in my closet!

Me: Get out of there, RUN!

Son/Daughter: (crying) so there is a monster in there?

Me: (sobbing on the floor) I don’t know just run (whimper)

We need to get something out of the basement after 9PM

Son/Daughter: Daddy I left my blanket in the basement

Me: Well we will have to get it in the morning

Son/Daughter: But it just down the stairs

Me: You know what, you can go get it then and have fun with Freddy Kreuger,

Son/Daughter: Who is Freddy Kreuger?

Me: He is a mean man who attacks children, so why don’t I give you a kiss just in case you meet him down there

Son/Daughter: (crying) Mommy

Tucking them into bed

Me: Now remember to keep your feet covered

Son/Daughter: Why?

Me: Because the monster under your bed won’t be able to get you if he can’t see them

Son/Daughter: There is a monster under my bed?

Me: Probably, also if you see a ghost or someone breaks into your room just pull the covers over your head so that they can’t get you

Son/Daughter: (crying)

After watching a scary movie too close to bed time

Me: Alright everyone, lets turn on all the lights leading to our bedrooms and run to bed.

Son/Daughter: I am too scared to move

Me: Me too, let’s just sit here on the couch and not look out any windows or towards any hallways and stay up all night

Son/Daughter: I have school and you have work

Me: true but we won’t be going anywhere if a monster is in this house.

The lights go out

Me: Everyone run out of the house, we are staying in a hotel overnight.

I don’t know if I am joking about these situations or not but my future wife tells me that I will be just fine…faking bravery for the sake of the kids.